Cassie's How-To: Bathroom Etiquette
by Cassie Ozog
Remember in elementary school when that kid threw a sandwich in the urinal and flooded the bathroom? Yeah, well, it was funny...then. (Okay, okay, yeah...it was pretty funny in high school, too). But it’s not funny now, nor are various other stupid things people do in washrooms. We're in university now, people, a place of maturity and higher education. Well, at least we act mature when it comes to using the bathroom.
1.Remember the Seinfeld episode when Elaine ran out of toilet paper and the woman next to her wouldn’t “spare a square?” Rude. Rude and wrong, people. Would you rather see their naked ass jumping out of the stall and running through the bathroom trying to find more paper? Exactly. Help a neighbour in a time of need, it may just be you next time.
2. Flush. This was probably the second thing you learned about potty training, after pulling your pants down. Flush. Because it’s gross to leave anything and everything about yourself in there. I don’t need to see that...nobody needs to see that.
3. However, if someone is inconsiderate enough not to flush, don’t make a scene and scream “Ewwwww, grooooossss!,” running out, grabbing a teacher like you did in grade two. Simply discount the previous person as a lesser human being and flush it yourself. Use your foot if you have to. It’s okay, you can do it.
4.If you’re going to hide alcohol in a public bathroom, share.
5.Wash your hands. Not rinse; wash and dry. I've seen too many girls come out of stalls after a really long time in there and not wash their hands, primp hair and make-up and then proceed to run their hands all over their boyfriend, as I stand helplessly by, wishing I could aid this unfortunate fellow. Guys, for those of you not previously aware of the fact that, yes, girls can be really gross too, and you suspect that this may be happening, sit your girlfriend down and have a serious talk with her. This affects your health as well as hers...not to mention anybody else unfortunate enough to watch. In the defense of girls, however, guys, you need to wash your hands too...really, well...alot. Think about it.
6.Make-up. There’s nothing wrong with applying make-up in the bathroom. However, there is something wrong with girls who dump out piles of make-up that was smuggled in their bags like junior high girls not allowed to wear make-up yet and are sneaking it to school to hide it from mom. The next time I can’t get to the sink because there’s a fog from hairspray and an entourage of lipstick eating girls in front of the mirror...well, let’s just say I’ve got a friend named Dan MacRae whom I’ll personally escort into the bathroom and he'll attack that make-up like a drag queen backstage at a Cher concert, and you'll never use it again. Ever.
7. Finally, don't talk on your cell phone in a stall. Not for your sake, but for the person on the other line. I mean, come on. Have some dignity. And besides, it just makes everyone else uncomfortable. I’m uncomfortable as it is on a public toilet seat. Let’s not make it worse.
So my friends, public bathrooms should be a clean, friendly environment. Follow these tips everywhere you are, and you'll be sure to strike up good conversations and make new friends....or at least not be first person eligible for a swirly.