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What more do you need for a great movie other than Satan, a biblical tie in, and punk rockers? Well, we guess a giant monster trying to pee out the statue of libertyıs flame and a little virgin flesh probably couldn't hurt. This week we bring you the movie Fear No Evil, unlike last week when we brought you Kiss vs. the Phantom of the Park, (Personally we do not remember this one: See, Hear, Speak... nope, no fear). It is the sequel in a series of stories originating from some Bible story where Satan is cast from heaven to hell. The sequel is when the evil underlord escapes and is pursued by three angels who plan on returning him to the wonderful place full of fire and brimstone where little men playfully poke you in the butt with pitchforks. Out of all the angels we only took note of one of their names: Gabriel. The other two had names like blab-blab-somethin-or-other and Gibbergabber-whats-his-name. Ahh, who cares anyways. The story begins with one of the angels cornering the Devil in an old castle surrounded by his zombie slaves (at this point you probably think this movie has potential but it is quickly lost when one notices no zombie is uttering the words: brains, brains, braaainns). Just when you think the angel is going to kill the evil one, two minutes into the show, the ruler of the demon underworld commits suicide and the angel is then sent to jail for murder, innocently (now there is a legitimate case against the death penalty). The movie then switches to a woman that is expecting, they must be really religious because they don't get an ultrasound and the devil is reborn into a young baby boy. If my wife was going to give birth to Satan, I think I would ask her to consider abortion. Can you imagine breastfeeding Satan? The movie then switches to the present and the young boy is now a teenager. He lives in a world where the school is run by the cool kids who are unruly and who happen to listen to punk rock. A bunch of stuff happens after that. We see him naked in the shower (yuck!), and one of the cool kids thinks it would be cool to neck with him in the shower (I don't know where | this school is, but where I was raised, the Jocks didn't make out with other guys in the shower to impress their buddies). He gets tormented, he gets bugged, he turns supremely evil, recruits a zombie army then all hell breaks loose. What we find hard to believe is that during all of this not once did Lucifer go to the can.
When Beezelbub gets angry he raises hell like Hawaii raises a little cane (Huh?... Huh?... get it?... Huh?). The thing that we found remarkable was how the angels walk right up to Satan, even though the demon bad guy was surrounded by a lot of zombies (That is what you get for hiring second-rate zombies).The punk bands that are in this movie are common ones: the Ramones, Sex Pistols, and Boomtown Rats. Another band on the soundtrack is the B-52's. It is an early performance by the B-52's, but they had yet to mature into the hardcore sound of Love Shack, but is post-Flintstone days. Not only did this movie have three angels, it had three funny instances (funny as in cheesy crap). The first was when the devil possessed the gym teacher and made him throw a ball so hard at an individual that corn starch came out of his mouth. The second was when the lead punk slapped his girlfriend (that wasn't funny) for leaving his car unlocked because of his two hundred dollar stereo (that was funny). | The third was when one of the angels was in a cemetery that had only one tree. While in the graveyard, a branch from that one tree happens to fall, knocking her to the ground. So they weren't all that funny, but what do you expect of a movie that doesn't star Jim Carrey, Woody Allen, or Dan Rather. The leader of the punk rock baddies is probably a Biology major. He is very knowledgeable about Cannabis and gives an interesting fact about pot and its side effects. His hypothesis is that "If you smoke too much pot you will grow tits." Granted it has been known to give one the munchies so indirectly you might grow breasts (Smoke pot, eat lots, get fatter, bosoms grow). We figured that this would have made a better angle then Nancy Reagan's brain on drugs (You know the egg in the frying pan one and as an example she tested on her husband, Alzheimer's our asses!). What will happen in the end? Will the angels cast the Devil back to hell? Heck? Does anyone think we want to push this movie? Does anyone think we liked this movie? This movie sucked. (but don't take our word for it, we think Jim Carrey stinks as well). |